-Elephant Gun
I was recently asked, if in an alternate universe, I could choose to marry a book or a song.. would I? I replied, 'as opposed to marrying what? A person?' She said, 'Yeah.'
And I thought, I have another question. If I had to choose to marry a book or a song (where other people didn't exist, because if they did, DUH I'd marry a person. you can't have sex with a book.) which one would it be?
For a song, 'Elephant Gun', above is a definite Mr. Maybe.
A hint of everything, but meshed in a way that make the individual sounds, the different facets of character, distinguishable. Elephant Gun promises me of a journey to foreign lands, the wind on my skin, where nothing is just what it is. It doesn't promise me that everything will be pretty, or everything will be fun, but it promises to go through the sights and the motions holding my hand.
What more could a girl want?
Speaking about what girls want (and I know this is a music blog, but sometimes we don't need demarcations because everything is, in their core, connected anyway), I want to tell you about a new friend I made last night.
Her name is Sara, and she is an architecture student in Melbourne University. She loves photography (like you and me), and she loves cycling. And by cycling, I don't mean like me, riding on my bike to Iza's house and back. I mean she knows who the top cyclists are, her friends cycle for the national team, she follows the tournaments, and her hero is Lance Armstrong.
She can't wear heels (like me).
I met her in her blog posts from March to October 2008. And a recurring character in her posts is this 'boy' who comes and goes, and leaves her wanting. There are days she is okay about him, and she sounds so happy, that I grin reading. There are days when he lets her down, and I am furious.
Sara wanted what most of us wanted- to do the things she loved, and to have that person beside her, and her friends around her. Many of her friends, who met her in the real world, seemed like the friends that anyone would wish for. (friends that I believe I have too, though their faces are different.)
What I like most about Sara, because I don't usually decide to be someone's friend through their blog (my ego prevents me from doing that), is that she is so full of life and inspiration and DESIRE. She is a car with a seemingly endlessly fuelled tank- with a map, she could go everywhere and anywhere.
But He has His reasons.
I made a friend and lost her in the span of 2 hours.
Sara was 20 when she made her final journey in October. After launching a great war (because she wasn't merely battling) against an aggressive lung cancer for 6 months. And now, thanks to her blog, she will always be 20 and beautiful.
Excerpts from Sara's Xanga blog:
April 22, 2008
i'm really glad i reached 20.
thank you, God,family and friends :)
i'm so lucky to have all of you in my life.
May 6, 2008
my mom said,
i can't bear looking at you being in pain.
and i said.
give me pain, as long as i recover and continue with what's ahead of me.
they're still considering other options , ruling out chemo.
chemotheraphy will be the last resort.
and i hope i won't have to go through it.
but if that's the only thing that can keep me alive,
i'd say, BRING IT ON.
Lance Armstrong quotes " Cancer happens to strong and good people " :)
and papa said , "What God can do, God can undo"
and I believe it.
miracle happens.
the percentage of surviving at this stage is less than 5%,
and i'm going to be the lucky fews.
i Believe.
I went to bed thanking God.
another painful day saved.
yet .. another day of surviving this battle.
July 5, 2008
oh ya.
DID i tell youuuuuu,
my doctor said,
my cancer case only happens to one in 10 million.
gila kannnn. i'm so the chosen one.
i'm special ;)
to those yang sihat walafiat,
eat while you still can.
coz once dah sakit,
you have to restrict yourself from eating those unhealthy food.
so... DONT THINK ABOUT BEING FAT.
just enjoy your health and keep fit :)
takyah nak diet diet.
buang masa je.
i dah regret coz when i was healthier i was a bit too concious about my weight.
so kalau makan lebih sikit rasa guilty then skip the next meal.
the only solution is get your lazy ass off the couch and runnnnnnnnnnnn.
*besides, guys dig curvy girls*
i have a llllooooonnngg list of food that i want to eat after i get well...
till then.
<3
----
(I'm putting Elephant Gun on loop right now.)
I see these faces of people, who are still very much people to me, and not arwah or past-tenses. I'm confused, because, I see them so vividly sometimes. I remember how they sound like when they laugh. The way they chewed their food. And sometimes, it's so difficult to remember how they look like. Like they never really existed.
I went to sleep last night, feeling heavy and...
I wish, and it's such a futile wish, because it's a wish for the past- I wish I spoke to my dad more. I wish I had more conversations like the one I remember every now and then, when he said, one morning on the way to the KTM station,
'Tengok Kayyah. Chome deh langit?', he touched the clouds through the car's windshield.
I nodded. I NODDED. I'm such an idiot some times. I still am. With my mother.
Last night I wondered what my dad thought about a lot of things. And it kills me that he doesn't keep a diary, or a blog, or anything, other than his spoken words and performed actions, so I'll never know all these others parts of him that I know he is full of.
I share so much of myself with friends, sometimes complete strangers (when it strikes my fancy), but it's so difficult for me to say anything more than functional words when I'm surrounded by family. I'm so sorry for that, I don't know what to do about it. And it kills me even more.
Like my sisters. I know they want to get to know me. Especially Afifa. Whatever they know about me, it's from what they overhear in my conversation with my friends. They get the scraps of me.
Okay. That's enough.
I'm just still a bit shaken. I dreamed of snakes last night.
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